i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
