so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
