dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
