I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
