Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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