my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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