This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
