uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
