Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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