I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
