Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
