We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
