She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
