Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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