whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
