totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
