You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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