Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
