my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
