Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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