soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
