you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
