Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
