the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
