and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
