How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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