I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
