Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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