i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
two words...techno handjob
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
