Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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