I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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