just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
