I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
