I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
