I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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