God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
