OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
