Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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