quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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