why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
