i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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