Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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