Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
