We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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