tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
