i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just gargled with NyQuil
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
