my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
