Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
