thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
