You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
