Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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