I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
