She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
