I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat